


You'll Understand When You're Older

by Hyacinthium



Series: Saimota Week 2018 [3]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Issues, Grandparents & Grandchildren, Grief/Mourning, Japanese Culture, LGBTQ Themes, Name Changes, Saimota Week 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-17 04:06:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16967346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyacinthium/pseuds/Hyacinthium
Summary: Kaito used to be an asshole. Kaito used to hate himself and resent people around him. He was a stupid teen in a small town, hiding and waiting to jump ship. Sometimes, he thinks he'll never grow past the reasons why.Sometimes it feels kinder to pretend that they never loved him.But he loved them, and that's why it hurts even when his fiancée helps him figure out how to cry.





	You'll Understand When You're Older

**Author's Note:**

> DAY FOUR VERY LATE
> 
> Well... I didn't go too into the stuff that Kaito's grandparents did, but they have a bad reaction to find out that their grandson likes men and women. Kaito holds a solid doubt that they wouldn't accept his future wife. There's no slurs or anything though. I just think it would be disgenuous, in respect to lgbtq+ people, to have each person react kindly and happily to everything. 
> 
> It feels dishonest to the reality we live in. So repeating, Kaito's grandparents did not accept his bisexuality. He did not think they would accept a boyfriend, and doesn't think they would accept his fiancée being a transwoman. I don't go too into that. 
> 
> While I'm not sure how that functions in respects to the no phobic type rules- I'm interpreting based on the works I've seen accepted by weeks with similar rules: no explicit violence or threatening and the work itself must not condone or endorse things such as homophobia, transphobia, or sexism and ableism. 
> 
> I want to follow the rules as best as possible, especially when the mod is so inclusive towards all trans people! 
> 
> Thus introspective and memories that do not contain overt details. 
> 
> Also, Shuichi is officially a dead name as of this!

Kaito wakes up to the sight of his lover's back, a healthy pale in earlier morning sunlight. He faintly recalls being told to go back to sleep and smiles. The man turns onto his side to check the alarm clock. Numbers spelling out 0600 stare back at him, and Kaito grabs his glasses from the dark wood of an antique nightstand. Their coffee and teal bedspread soon finds itself disturbed. An innocent star projecting lamp gets turned off with an apology pat. Both of them head into the shower groggy and leave it slightly better. 

Minty toothpaste, Kaito fretting over his goatee, and haphazard nylons. Finally-

“God, I love coffee and no more hair removal,” comes a soft mutter, a woman's voice filling the kitchen with bleary humor. “Just not this coffee.”

A fond grin fills up Kaito's face, “I'll make the coffee tomorrow, pour it all fancy, and you can make breakfast. Delicious coffee and delicious pancakes!”

Both of them make a face at the idea of Kaito making anything before his daily coffee. The man chuckles sheepishly and rubs the back of his head. Tan fingers find none of the usual spikes, nor hair gel, and Kaito clears his throat. He starts putting aside the brioche french toast, not too different from the ‘All Day! All American! Breakfast!’ restaurant he once worked at part time. It brings to mind the memory of walking past rice paddies on the way to school. 

“So, my bad suggestions of names like Shuuko aside and all…” his heart sinks a bit. “You're really going to use that one?”

“Tsukimi is a very good name. Momota Tsukimi sounds even better. And it wouldn't make Shirogane dress me up as Sailor Moon,” the woman says, lips spreading widely, gold eyes staring up at Kaito with a knowing look.

Despite being best friends for far more than five years, and being engaged- Kaito feels himself blushing up a storm. Honestly, the man still isn't sure how his fiancée automatically connected a sudden clap and ‘Usagi’ to such an old series. Must be his partner's Ultimate Detective stuff at work. Even if she's actually a private investigator. All of her deductions are based on solid evidence. 

Somehow. 

Kaito plates their rolled omelets and wonders if he still talks in his sleep. 

Considering their jobs, eating quickly after giving thanks is normal. But today isn't a normal day at all. 

It's the one year anniversary of their engagement. Also the day that Kaito and Tsukimi have taken off for a singular purpose. Dressing in all black isn't exactly something that Kaito usually does, after all. Tsukimi herself prefers to avoid dressing too similar to ingame too. Especially now. 

Smiling wistfully, Kaito rinses the dishes and puts them into the dishwasher while his fiancée starts turning everything else off. They still bump into the table as one though. Some things can't change even with the power of coffee. Grabbing car keys and heading out the door into brisk air- Kaito resists the urge to give himself a pep talk. He's not some scared teenager anymore. 

Walking out of their apartment and quickly reaching the elevator, they make small talk. Amami going to the Himalayas, Akamatsu finally coming back to Japan, Gokuhara’s insect based YouTube channel and even Kokichi's mystery boyfriend. 

“Wait what? He's what?” Kaito near gasps just as he unlocks the car doors. 

S- Tsukimi looks at him with pure confusion. Humming, she blinks and puts her hand to her chin. Then she repeats herself, “Gokuhara-kun and Harukawa-kun have been dating steady for almost five months now.”

Kaito distinctly remembers exactly how surreal the sight of Kokichi crying at Maki’s pod was. So after a moment of not thinking, he lets it go and gets into the car. He's still going to have to process the idea later. More important things to do than wonder about Kokichi's relationships. But damn if Kaito isn't wondering. 

“Ooookay, one small step for Momota Kaito and one big step for Momota Kaito!” the man grunts as he roughly turns the car on, near jamming the key in. 

A faint chuckle makes him giggle nervously. Kaito glances over to see warm gold eyes- honey and brown with hints of gunmetal gray. Softness that wasn't always quite there, feminine features instead of ambiguouity, and with all the changes have come a kind of peace that ‘Saihara Shuichi’ never had. People have asked Kaito how he's dealt with it all. How the man has taken his partner transitioning so smoothly. 

Starting up the car and getting ready for a long drive- Kaito still isn't sure how to explain. Doesn't get why he even has to. 

It's not like there's been no chaffing, but why would Kaito want an unhappy boyfriend when he could help his girlfriend become a happier person? Forget heroes- no decent person… 

“Do you want me to drive?” Tsukimi asks, making Kaito realize how tight his grip is becoming. 

The man tries to deny it despite how dry his mouth is. At least until the look of concern on his fiancée’s face makes him cave. She always knows exactly what to do when it comes to this stuff. Pulling over and switching seats is easy enough too, even if they get honked at. Tsukimi mutters about assholes while Kaito pats at his black trousers. Last time he wore something like this was just before the killing game. 

Clearing his throat as they return to the road, Kaito tries to calm down. They were all idiot teens back then. Got saddled with too much bullshit to boot. 

Trying to keep his spirits up he asks, “So how's your therapist?”

A smile spreads across his lover's face even as her eyes stay on the road. 

“Back from paternity leave! We spent a minute or two look at pictures of his son, Akihiro. Both mother and child are doing so well!”

“And your endo visit?” Kaito puts forth another question, receiving more reassuring answers. 

Enthusiasm like this is truly contagious. Kaito relaxes bit by bit as they drive, topics changing, until the streets stop looking like ‘city’ and start looking like ‘farm’. The boonies look as familiar as the day Kaito left them. Pit stop included, though things are certainly different from the last time Kaito was around. Even the place itself seems changed. 

Yet he knows that the only real change is his perception. 

Looking up at the flower shop with wavering confidence is hard. The last times are both disasters in their own way. Before Dangan Ronpa he had to do everything by himself, waiting until he was the only person left, and after had been a mess of screaming. 

Skin and metal- a familiar hand wraps around Kaito's own. A reforged ring rubs against his fingers. Magenta darts down to take in formal clothing with only pitch black to be seen. It's the expression that his eyes register that gives Kaito the most strength though. Determination and understanding in even the slight pinch of Tsukimi’s eyebrows. 

“Let's go introduced you to my grandparents, moonbunny.”

Resisting the urge to laugh boisterously at the woman's wide eyed blush is hard. Still, Kaito manages to go in and buy a nice bouquet of flowers. Incense too. Tsukimi holds them for him while the man goes to grab a bucket and ladle, a brush, and various other objects. 

Anything and everything they need is bunched up in their arms. 

Like that, Kaito and Tsukimi enter the graveyard. 

It's difficult to walk past endless stone. So many monuments that feel like they're towering over him. Plenty are perfectly clean, some haven't been visited in a while, but all of them make Kaito feel like he's just on the cusp of becoming eighteen again. There's probably nothing more silly than a twenty-six year old man thinking that. But each step and each sound makes it hit home even harder. 

He's visited his family grave maybe a handful of times since the funerals. Right now there's nothing that even feels real about the turns, yet the man remembers exactly where to go. Ingrained into Kaito's memory like so much else. 

There's not much worse than a son that has no filial piety. 

Which is why Kaito is both pleased and upset to see that the grave isn't too bad off. If his parents gave a real damn to the point of stopping by… 

Kaito shakes his head and sets his things down. 

No use in thinking about two people that drop off the face of the Earth. 

Silence marks the start of their visit, with Kaito rinsing off the grave before the real cleaning can begin. Tsukimi brings it upon herself to tackle the weeds. Grabbing a brush and going to town on each speck of dirt comes naturally. Both of them clean for what must be an hour. Kaito's lips curl when he finds a candy wrapper stuck in a crack. Each pass of the brush gets a bit more forceful after that. 

All he can imagine is what it was like to put all those bones into the urn by himself. Just him and the results of cremation. Doing it all again not long after. 

Tsukimi puts a hand on his shoulder when they're finally done, firm and grounding. She helps him up and places down the incense, flowers, and watches with worry as Kaito sets out the breakfast dish that his grandparents loved so much. 

Kaito swallows down around nothing at all as they slowly stand. 

“So, last time I uh-” the man rubs at his goatee. Staring at solid stone with sharp edges and names engraved. “I told you about my boyfriend and yelled a lot. Sorry... But I don't have a boyfriend now, I've got a fiancée, and I didn't break up or anything. No one died or got replaced or anything- Shuichi just wasn't ever a boyfriend. She's not even using that name and-”

“And I'm not going to pretend that either of you would accept her, because you didn't accept me when you found out I was bisexual.”

Quiet, so quiet and so strong with her grip on Kaito's hand. There's been times where Kaito has wanted nothing more than to grab the phone when her parents call. Grab it and yell at them for thinking that their child is dying, instead of becoming who they should be. Yell for each night full of frustrated tears. 

“I know that I wasn't a good kid as a teen, Pops. I was a cutthroat asshole that hated you for the wrong reasons and the right ones. Used people get what I wanted. Thought it hurt less. Sinking ships aren't were anyone should stay, I thought. Then when the people in it actually sunk? I could only scramble to try and keep it together. All because of a dream.”

Cry because it's just too damn similar. 

Kaito's lips pull into a thin line, “Both of you were my parents. I love the shit out of you, but God, I'm not a teen anymore. That girl and I talking about things- why she couldn't like me back because she only liked girls. Shit, I didn't know that was possible! By the end she was asking which guys and girls I thought were cutest too.”

For a few seconds more, he's not sure what else to say. 

The day had been nerve-wracking for the simple reason of Kaito's main crush being his study partner. Except he'd found out about a lot more than if she liked him back or not. He'd been thirteen years old and filled with the strangest kind of relief. 

Up until then, Kaito just thought that it everyone liked girls and boys- you just didn't talk about it. 

A good study session with a new friend, just until the end. 

His grandparents had come into the room and politely demanded that Kaito's classmate leave. Practically booted her out the door while Kaito sat in shock. Neither of them were even supposed to be home for another day. Zero warning, no sound, and then Kaito found out they'd just decided to listen. Like an ambush with just as much anger as expected. A loud old man and a fuming old woman. 

The look of panic and desperate in her eyes still makes Kaito's stomach queasy. Even if she said her parents knew and accepted her, living in a small town encased by the countryside, everyone else would have tormented her. A nightmare that Kaito hadn't even had before that door opening with a slam. 

If either of them got outed then- it would have been hell. 

“All I got after that was both of you acting like I was sick. Like I could cure myself if I just stopped being lazy. There were times it seemed like you'd change, especially Ma, but you kept it up until the days you died. So I'm not going to lie to make it better,” the man finishes, eyes burning and nose stuffy. “Pops, your dream ruled each thing you did even as you started dying and drinking each damn day. Ma wasted away after you died and…”

“And it was a good dream. I loved it when I was a kid. I asked to have it in the game. But going to space was never my dream.”

Tsukimi lifts her head up from Kaito's shoulder. Her hands, warm, stiffen against him. It must be obvious to her, what the Ultimate Astronaut is about to say. Conversations about have happened before too. Just never ending in what Kaito wants to say. The man knows that he needs to say it too. 

Kaito isn't like Tsukimi in this- he can't just be the Momota Kaito from the game. Changes are a given and he's thankful for them. Genuinely, the person he was in the game has helped him become a better person. Each bond with his fellow contestants is something he cherishes, and the man fully supports the now fulfilled movement to end Dangan Ronpa. 

A Luminary of the Stars that makes kids smile doesn't exist in real life. Even that him was putting up a boastful front made of glass. Kaito never wanted something like making his grandfather's poisonous wish come true either. 

“Kaito?”

He only asked to be the Ultimate Astronaut because he wanted to understand why his family left him all alone. 

“I just- I just wanted him to love me the way he did when I was younger,” Kaito murmurs, left palm rubbing into his eyes while Tsukimi holds the other. “I want to think they'd love you and accept you after a while but I can't lie anymore-”

Seeing a grown man cry because he feels sorry for himself must be pathetic. It's the kind of thought born from words heard before, spores said by a tired old man falling apart, reprocessed into holding back and exploding with resentment. Kaito just isn't good at it even now. He still needs so much help just feeling things constructively that it makes him sick. 

Remembering how the writers made his ingame the character type to hit people, like it would help them- makes him want to vomit. 

“You can cry, Kaito. You're allowed to cry,” comes a soft whisper, arms wrapping around him, Tsukimi’s lips pressing against the ring he wears. 

Kaito stands before a grave, not shouting but crying, holding the woman he loves for hours.

**Author's Note:**

> Tsukimi isn't as prominent here as I intended, but honestly... She understands that you need to just let yourself talk and that Kaito has baggage about this. She's a bit nervous about the visit in general too. It's tough in these situations. But next is wedding and I'll be a happy man, to not cry in a public library. 
> 
> Which is the reason this took so long in addition to some bullshit. This shit is too sad.


End file.
